Bored, stoned, sitting in your basement All alone, cause your little conversations got around, now look at what we all found out (look at what we, look at what we all found out)
You have got a set of loose lips, twisting stories All because you're jealous Now I know exactly what you're all about, And this is what you're all about..
Girl, your such a backstabber, Oh girl, you're such a shit talker And everybody knows it (everybody knows it)
Girl, your such a backstabber, Run your mouth more than everyone I've ever known And everybody knows it (everybody knows it)
(Talk Talk Talk talk talk talk) I'm sick and tired of hearing all about my life, from other bitches with all of your lies, wrapped up so tight, so maybe you should shut your mouth shut your mouth Shut your fucking mouth
Honestly, I think its kinda funny that you waste your breath talking about me, Got me feeling kinda special really (so this is what your all about)
I love that song! I wish it had been around way back when I was in High School! not to mention the movie Easy A. I can't wait to see it, seriously, I wish I'd thought of sewing a scarlet A on my shirt. (= Man it's crazy how growing up is hardly different from high school, and then again, it's COMPLETELY different. Does that make sense? Hell, does anyone even read this? It's funny I was talking about high school with some friends. and discussing the way you look back at those people who meant so much to you, those people you really thought were always going to be there for you. and how you look back at them, and you think THANK GOD I DIDN'T TURN OUT LIKE THEM! Despite the fact that we became adult together, the fact that we felt the same way and went through some of the same things. You know beyond a doubt that you were entirely too nice, too forgiving to them.
You look back on people who you thought were so wise, so much better than you could ever imagine. and you realize that you are decades a head of them. The truth of the matter is, I am a wife. I know that totally doesn't seem like much, it seems some that all girls are on their way of becoming. but it's not. It's a million times harder than what we are led to believe. and on top of it all. I am a military wife. Maybe there's a HUGE difference between being a Marine wife, and an Army wife, but that show is the most retarded thing I've ever seen. truth be told I can't watch that show, the commercials piss me off! Being a military wife is something you can't understand until you are one. People feel like because you're married to a man that is in the military, they have the right to ask you things so insanely inappropriate, like "what are you going to do if he gets deployed?" and "aren't you worried?" and sometimes more invasive than that!
I don't know what that's all about... just thinking.... I feel like there's a wall between myself and everyone that doesn't understand. I'm not this person or that, but there doesn't seem to be an place in the middle. But I hope anyone who might read this knows I'm not trying to be one of those people who seem to think growing up means screwing over the people you used to care about. I don't think that AT all. and I miss you all =)
I have decided to attempt the conscience undertaking of changing my perception, attitude, and, dare I say, personality. I have decided to go out of my way to be more accepting, grateful, and happy. and interestingly enough, moments after coming to this conclusion, I found out my Husband is getting tomorrow off =) YAY!
it's trippy. it sure is. I can't believe it. I've been married for a week today and I have to say I still haven't wrapped my brain around it. I'm so incredibly lucky. Jimmy is amazing. He's more than I ever could have dreamed to ask for. I'm thinking about all the crap that I have written on this little online journal. all the things I have been through since Alyssa gave me this account in 8th grade. All the things I've written, or wanted to write but knew I could never put out, uld never write down for the world to read. growing up is a crazy experience. It's funny, you think about it your whole life, wondering what it's going to be like when you are all grown up and settled down. sometimes you think too much and miss out on the process. we went to church last sunday with Ruthie and Andrew and the pastor said the most amazing thing.
"You try to rush the process to get to the finished product, but the real blessing isn't in the finished product, it's in the process of getting there."
I love it. I messed it all up I'm sure, he worded it way better. lots of P's and plays on words, but that's the drift of it. Anyways, as I was saying, I'm married. My Husband and I have our own adorable little apartment, that I'm completely inlove with, and it's thousands of miles away from everything I ever pictured in my future. I remember this summer when I was out here I fell in love with Califonia, but I kept saying, ohhh it's a great place, but I don't belong here, I belong in PA, I need the country, I need those people, the people I never talk to but need to have close, the people I talked to but who actively tore me down and ripped me to pieces. Then I meet Jimmy, and he blew my mind. All of my excuses fell apart, and all of my preconcevied ideals about love, and what it meant to be in love went flying out the window. Love is most defineitely not painful. No, it's not some kind of blissful state of mind where nothing ever goes wrong, or where you refuse to see the flaws in the other person. but it's not a fight, not a struggle. Love is the choice you make when you choose to be there for someone through absolute thick and thin. and you can love someone till you're blue in the face, but being in love with someone that doesn't care about you, doesn't prove anything other than that you're wasting your time. yeppp yepppp.
I haven't written in here in so long, I guess I need to spill out my thoughts a little bit. But as much as I have way more to write on here, I'm not sure if my Husband (loooove that word!) is coming home for lunch or not, so I need to get make myself look pretty, just in case!
there was a brilliant quote in the book Thirteenth Tale that I loved. about tears, and how they can fossilize inside of you. hardening to the point where you'll never get them out. I feel it. I want to reread that whole book just to find that one little sentance, I want to drown in it. I can't cry. which is okay, I shouldn't cry.
Did I really expect it not to effect me? how could I? how stupid could I have been? but, maybe I did. it came as a blow last night despite the fact that I, at least I thought I, was preparing myself for it. it's not even a definite, at least, not from what he's telling me. but it's still impossible. who can I possibly talk to about this that will both understand and not think that I'm unbelievable selfish? I feel ashamed for even writing this, but I feel like I'm going to implode, get sucked violently in on myself.
I know that regardless of the fact that I have secluded myself, focusing only on how long until I am out there, with him, regardless of the fact that we are getting married and he will be one half of my world, regardless of that I know he doesn't belong to me. I know that, I accept that, but that doesn't mean I have to like it does it? regardless of the fact that I have to face it with a smile, for his sake, this sucks. and there's no way around that fact
Okay. so here's the deal-e-o for anyone that still reads this. I'm moving to California. annnnd. I'm (hopefully) taking online courses from a christian school that sounds really amazing and I'm having really good feelings about =) sooo. that's my life right now. attempting to survive fall semester, and looking forward to Nov/Jan/Mar lol!
